primscha

The book sounds interesting! How do you like it so far? Ik that we bred sheep to basically rely on us, but that’s about all I know.

Life is indescribably insufferable right now. Shit keeps hitting the fan. For example, a cat I was just getting to know from my bf’s family died. He booped my nose with his nose and I was like, yay, he likes me. ;-;

In other news, school. I paid my price in sanity this semester. I don’t recommend having 2 part time jobs plus internship while doing a full time liberal arts degree if you can help it. I hope to regain some of my sanity in roughly a week from now.

I’ll be spending Christmas alone or working. But I think I might need to hermit after everything… e Even then there’s just always something that has to be done. Life is a lot. Just glad that I basically have one semester left after this.

Just thought of something to look forward to. I get to pet my fam dog soon.

Stressed, exhausted, ready for vacation/more hw time. A company reached out to recruit me, but there are rumors about the skill assessment being very difficult, and frankly I’m ass at math and math word problems. It also might not be 100% multiple choice, so chances of me passing are even slimmer.

So I’m accepting that I’ll probably fail and continue with my current gruesome plan on finishing my design portfolio… which hasn’t been making progress because of all the jobs and full time school I do.

I don’t think I’ll celebrate Christmas with anyone this year. It’s always been my favorite holiday, but currently it’s a painful reminder of how messy and confusing my relationships are right now. I don’t think my bf is going to visit me even though he said he would— bad economy, after all. Just really sucks when we’ve talked about it a lot…and it was what I saw as the light at the end of this hellish tunnel of a semester. Oh well.

I don’t know what I’m looking forward to right now.

Ugh. I want a break from life.

In a few weeks I’ll be petting my dog, hugging my boyfriend, and tolerating family. I’ve hit a low lower than burnout this semester— oops. But roughly a month left… So hopefully this all resolves and I can breathe a bit during winter break. Senior year. Yippee.

I’m procrastinating from assignments bc I feel mentally stretched thin. But idk, I reconnected with my bf after a long period of silence and automatically felt a lot of my stress fall away. (-◡-◍) But still, I gotta do my hw and my remaining internship hours for work before Sunday o.o

In the meantime I’m slowly job hunting, looking either for internships that transition into full time or just flat out full time. I graduate in the spring, but considering my circumstances I kinda need to look now lol. It’s just a pain because I’m prioritizing this job search and prep over classes, but the only reason I have these opportunities in the first place is because I’m in school… So it’s a weird balance lol. Definitely trying not to feed into straight A habits right now because they’re eating into my time for jobs. That sounds like a flex but it’s more an anxious habit.

Also did a HireVue interview for the first time? And idk how to feel about them. Also waiting for a referral from my friend to go through for a company before I apply. Am scared that I need to practice my skills more, organize more of my work… I probably do, but one step at a time.

Sleepy. I took steps to get in contact with my ol’ director of my program so she can help me with my portfolio. In the meantime, juggling a few jobs and classes isn’t fun. It’s not like the jobs are hard; the most intense one is probably my internship, with the other jobs being paid time to do homework.

The main issue is just the lack of time to actually decompress, rest, and socialize. Oftentimes I find myself really tired. Something I’ve noticed (for years now) is that I lack a lot of energy compared to my peers, and unfortunately caffeine makes me sleepy. So I can only rely on food, sleep, and exercise. Haven’t been doing great in any of those categories. I feel guilty eating. ._. Anyways. On the plus side, my apartment has free lattes and cocoa, which tastes nice. And the club room is surprisingly empty most of the time, so I’m comfy working in there.

Thank you

Will start my semester after this weekend. Not ready. But at the same time, it’s senior year, so… I’m happy it’s almost over. At midnight, I start my graveyard shift. On Monday, will be doing onboarding for two jobs.

Now I’m just trying to figure out what to do today… Maybe walk around campus and enjoy the quiet.

Ah, family— mainly my parents. Had a revelation that they’ve been financially abusive throughout my life and that’ll continue after college. I’m at the point though where I could list other traumatic happenings throughout life that this just feels like life slapping me in the face for “funsies.” They’ve been abusive/neglectful in many other ways so it feels… “normal,” at this point.

After a week of being back in my college town, I feel psychologically safer and I feel like I’m managing my short term issues while planning ahead more, so… I think I am in a better space. My concern in the far future is whether to even stay with them and save up money for a year— if the house doesn’t foreclose by then. Basically.

Feeling more sane now that I’m out of the environment causing me stress, but aware of the one year timeline I have before getting put into the same environment.

There’s a lot to do. Prob need therapy— no, I know I do lol. At least I know that friends are supportive and might be willing to help me stay out of the environment, even though I haven’t told them much because these issues are still something I’m processing. I just realize that if I shut people out of my life, as rough as it is right now, the end results of losing community and support is worse.

Just can’t let my depression thoughts get to me— it’s paralyzing. But like I said, being out of the environment has definitely improved my mental health, and I feel like I have a bit more control again over my life.

Fighting thru depression. I feel like I have every reason to be proud of myself and excited for the future, but life seems to whack me in the face with another shitload of problems (that aren’t necessarily in my control, but will heavily impact my lifestyle negatively if they go haywire). The things I want to control aren’t in my control, and that urge has been so insufferable and making me miserable.

Logically things that are within my control are going well for me, but I’m self sabotaging and then resenting myself for not doing more than I can right now lol. Like I’m stuck in my bed or spacing out: I don’t even know what makes me happy right now. Can’t think of play, only work.

For example, doing a design volunteer project. Technically got promoted to design manager. I’d rather not take the promotion when I feel like shit, but it’s also like, take the opportunity because resume for a soon to be grad will look nice. (Didn’t have much of a choice though because we’re halfway through the project, and need a design manager, so it would’ve happened either way…) But it’s like pulling my teeth just to get stuff done… And somehow I’m still one of the more active people on the project aghhhhhh—

But yay, on the resume, I guess. I’m just lacking a lot of motivation right now. Part of me feels spoiled for not feeling grateful for this opportunity, but I keep arguing with myself that my health matters.

Idk. I was supposed to have a psych appointment to get antidepressants, but there’s was a clerical error that pushed it out a month. Wonderful. I’m just trying to survive each hour as best I can. Rant over.

Dunno how much of this made sense, my brain feels so dumb right now.

I hope that, wherever anyone in is life right now, they’re holding on. Seems rough for most folks right now and… Frankly I suck at encouragement, but the one thing helping me hold on is knowing I’m not alone in this feeling, and that there are people out there who are supportive. Maybe it’s not obvious who’s out there, but I believe there are supportive people out there nonetheless.

Worked almost 40 hours for spring break. As much as I hate working during my break, I think it’s ultimately a blessing: I’m getting out of an internship that I don’t like sooner rather than later.

Now it’s back to the grind. Somehow got most of this week’s assignments done already, but I know a couple of things that will kick my butt later this week. Hopefully it doesn’t mess with me too much.

I want to get ahead and work on outside projects because I know I can’t rely on my current program to help me get into my career. And I’d like to network more with the local community, but I gotta plan ahead and manage my time better, haha… Things are just rough right now with two jobs.

There are a lot of worries piling up in my head right now. I think I need to rest.

Burnout. Gotta sacrifice some of my Sundays hanging out with my bf. A lil sad bc he’s the only person right now on my life that has free time(ish). 🫠 Then the rest of my week is busy. Saturdays are workdays. Mondays–Thursdays have a mix of work, schoolwork, and homework.

And I’m looking for summer internships, and trying to find skills to work on in the meantime. Not sure how much time I have to prioritize this stuff though. But uh… I need to find a job asap once I graduate. I dunno.

Life has been tough. I’m hoping summer will be easier.

Recovering from burnout. Personal life happened, an anxiety spell took over me, and school continued on. But things are slowly being put back together. I think I’ll be okay. Even if at times I feel like I’m alone, I’m reminded by my friends that I’m not. Guess it’s a habit to think that way. Breaking out of it.

Also I met a unicorn. Dating said unicorn. Feel very happy. c:

Hope y’all feel better soon!

Had a lovely anxiety spell take over me the past couple of days, but I’m working on solving the issues that are causing said anxieties, bit by bit. At least the weekend will start, though my internship now seeps into my weekends… Don’t look forward to Saturdays as much as I used to. But Sunday, I’ll be hanging out with a friend. And then I’ll be hanging out with someone I really like. ⌯’▾’⌯ Trying to be optimistic and get work done so that the anxiety lessens.

I feel tired, but in a good way. Met up with more friends, ate good food, and had fun. My friends were kind enough to treat me a bit since they uh, understand my current financial position as broke college student™.

But I got good news this week: I now have two jobs! One being the internship, and the other is a student desk job (aka I get paid while doing homework type of job). It’ll be busy, but it should be manageable. So I need to budget a plan to visit a friend this summer and pay some of my loans again (considering that I’ll finally have some money to do so). Haha…

Other than that I’ve been studying again. Working on a community project for my career path, and figuring out my presidential duties for my club (club funding due date is approaching).

I still have about two weeks of break left, but it feels like my vacation is done. And honestly…I’m good with that. I feel like this was the most mentally productive break I’ve had in years. (-◡-◍)

Thank you for your kind words! I appreciate it ⌯’▾’⌯ I’ll do my best. Life certainly feels like it’s at a tipping point where things can turn out better, so everything is a mix of terrifying yet exhilarating.

The hike was awesome! I’m currently very tuckered out by it lol.

Weird, but not overly bad. Still burnt out from last semester and can’t believe that it’s already been a week in for winter break. Time passing has been a relief and a stressor, with me contemplating how to best use my time when most of it has been used up by me constantly napping… at least so far.

Met up with two friends. One is gonna be my coworker soon, and we really got along! Hung out for about eight hours chatting… He might be in charge of me and the rest of the interns though, so we’ll see how our hangouts go in the future. We plan on hiking before he has to return to work.

Christmas has been interesting. My parents made a croissant filled with Nutella and sausages. Random quips and complaints thrown about. No big fight though, so that’s nice. We almost had no gifts because my mom was worried about money, but decided to shop the day before Christmas Eve since I was going out anyway to meet my friend. I reminded her about my wishlist (the third or fourth reminder) because I didn’t want her to randomly buy me clothes that I would never wear for the umpteenth time.

I’m beginning to think that I need to slowly take over the cooking and baking in this household. And driving. And cleaning. I mean, it’s a household of adults and aging parents. I want things to get better, but I need to create a plan with my siblings — which won’t be happening soon, because everyone is having their own struggles with depression and finances. .-.

I didn’t mean to make this existential. But Christmas is my reminder of the good and bad times with family. I hope to have a Christmas that reminds me of why I used to love this holiday… I’m trying to make the best of this break without letting my worries get to me.

Edit: I forgot to add in the midst of my rambling. Happy holidays, everyone! I hope y’all are doing well and/or are making it through this time of year.

Hope you make a complete recovery soon!

Winter break is about to start! ⌯’▾’⌯ And I’ll eat sushi today with a couple friends as a reward for all the hard work.

I’m excited to pet my dog. (-◡-◍)

We got another email clarifying the situation, and they state to submit “anticipated funding requests.” I’m just skeptical because I know the student union can be messy, and my club is fairly new. I’m sure it’ll be fine, it’s just… pretty abrupt. I also just feel pretty tuckered out, so I’m complaining. (ᵒ ᵕ ᵒ٥)ゞ

Turns out they did spend all their money from this semester. ._. I can’t exactly blame them on that though. I’ve heard there have been more budget cuts.